September 21, 2008

Speaking Forgiveness

by Julianne Stokstad

There is nothing the world needs more than forgiveness. There is nothing we need more than to forgive. It doesn't matter where we live, what we do, whether we are rich or poor or somewhere in between. Every one of us has been hurt, treated unfairly or had things happen to us that we didn't choose or want to happen. Do you dream of the peaceable kingdom of God, right here on earth? Can you imagine a world where there is no cheating, violence, oppression or injustice? There is nothing we all need more than a serious practice of forgiveness.

All the world's religious traditions tell us forgiveness is the way to find inner peace. This time, this year it is most profound as Muslims seek to make amends for wrongdoing and come clean before God and their fellow humans in the month long Ramadan and Jews seek do the same thing in the ten days leading up to Yom Kippur. "Forgiving", says Lewis Smedes, Christian author on forgiveness, "is love's revolution against life's unfairness." It is time to forgive!

Life isn't always fair and maybe that is where it all begins. From the smallest of playground hurts to mind-numbing offenses of abuse, torture or murder, forgiveness is the only release, one that revenge or even justice doesn't bring. Too often in churches we are told to just forgive. For me, that raises more questions than answers and I know it can cause much guilt in us because we just can't do it. While it comes from good intentions, it hasn't been particularly helpful for me. Forgiveness is a complicated and emotionally loaded concept. I am not saying it is easy or the same in all cases, but I am saying that forgiveness is the only way we can be set free.

We all have our stories. I don't know about you, but I have issues around forgiveness. I do all right with little things, but have difficulty with a few gnarly issues. There are severak relationships where I've been treated unfairly, where I've been hurt. I need to forgive. I know that. I've tried. In one, I've even asked for forgiveness, thinking if she'd hurt me, I must have hurt her as well. She did forgive me and then even asked me to forgive her, which I said I did. But she has been dead for many years and I am embarrassed to tell you that I still carry resentment about how I was treated by her. I tried, but I have not let it go. Truth is I have not forgiven her. Look into your life, if you still harbor resentment over something that happened long ago, you are still bound, tied, to that person. To let it go, to unbind ourselves from the ones who harmed us, that's forgiveness.

It isn't so easy just to let it go, is it? What can we do? I've been told to just get over it. Avoiding the issues only buries our anger and resentment and does not lead to forgiveness and true healing. It only makes forgiveness harder.

What does this strange scripture from Matthew have to say to us about the practice of forgiveness? It is the final verses of one of the most profound chapters in the whole Gospel, Matthew 18. It is Jesus' clear teaching on how to be church, how to get along with each other given our collective humanness. The chapter is full of Golden Rule stuff, telling us to be humble, i.e. control our egos, to be most cautious of leading others into temptation and like all of Jesus' teachings it tells us about how God isn't like humans at all. In the parable of the lost sheep several weeks ago we heard how God, unlike the human shepherd, leaves the flock and always seeks the ones who are lost. In this final piece of Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter he is to forgive, forgive and forgive and forgive some more. And then he tells this strange parable of "the Unforgiving Servant" to explain about God's and human forgiveness.

What can we learn about forgiveness from the story? It begins with the statement God's kingdom compared to a king who wished to settle up financial accounts, clean up what was owed him. One servant had a most impossible debt, some 10,000 talents. One talent was worth more than fifteen years wages. Imagine having a debt that would take 150,000 years to pay off, it reminds me of Wall Street. It's a totally impossible debt for a servant. The consequences of not paying off any debt was to be put in prison. The servant pleads for mercy. And get this, the king, says "sure, I release you and forgive all your debt." Wow, he just forgive the total amount. But then the servant didn't give to others what he got from the king. He threw a fellow servant who couldn't pay back a pittance of a debt into prison. What does all this money talk have to do with forgiveness? Well, folks have always understood the concrete---money and debt as opposed to the spiritual indebtedness of forgiveness.

The heavenly economy is very different from our earthly ways. This scripture is about forgiveness is about God and you and me. Have you ever asked God for forgiveness? Have you ever been forgiven by God? How many times do you think in your life so far? Ten, a hundred, a thousand? It doesn't matter because God's forgiveness is unending and unconditional. We must just ask and whoosh, God forgives us, no questions asked, for everything from a little white lie to the biggest most egregious mistake you can imagine. God forgives us all, for everything, if we ask. Period! I think we all tend to forget what forgiveness we have already received. And how often are we like the unforgiving servant, holding grudges, bearing bitterness and anger in our hearts towards someone who has hurt us. We are to give to our brothers and sisters what God has given to us. Ultimately we will get from God, what we give to our fellow humans.

So what is forgiveness? The Greek word, used in the earliest texts of the New Testament, translated as forgive means to draw away or to let go. It is simply letting go of resentment and the desire for revenge. It is deciding it is not our job to punish someone for his or her offense. Forgiveness is taking off the delicious jeweled crown of the victim saying you don't want it anymore. Forgiveness is to be liberated from the destructive power of anger and hatred and to no longer carry them around anymore. Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or unkindness or violence. It is about forgiving persons, not their behavior. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened and it is not denying your hurt. Forgiveness simply brings one freedom from what binds you. It is the unbinding of your soul, your heart, your mind from the sin, debt, trespass that holds you hostage.

Perhaps you like me want to forgive and you keep trying, but just can't quite make it happen. Here's a little bit of advice, first of all, recognize, it is a process, a long and slow and often painful journey. It takes courage, honesty, humility and time, depending upon what we are trying to forgive. It takes a growing understanding of yourself and increasing understanding of the other person. And it takes prayerful intention to begin as well as support to stay in the process. It is one of the biggest works we have to do in our lives because when we are able to forgive those who have wronged us and to forgive ourselves, then our hearts are changed and we are changed. We are truly unbound and free. We are no longer in relationship with the one who hurt us.

I want to say forgiveness comes in sneaky ways, not as we might expect. For me it hasn't come with the big words, the big drama. It has come in little ways, quietly, in my growing understanding that I am loved and forgiven by God. It is my job to love each person, not to change them. My job is to love and respect myself so that I do not allow others to harm me and when they do, if I choose to forgive so that I am no longer bound to them by my anger, hurt or resentment. When this happens, and when you recognize it, truly it is something of heaven. May it be so for each of you. Amen

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