May 6, 2007

By Our Love

By Julianne Stokstad

On his final visit to see us, the last thing my father said to me was "It's all good." With that he turned his face, shuffled off going to catch his airplane and was gone. I never saw him again. My father was a man of few words and I find myself coming back to his enigmatic benediction and wondering. I've been thinking about final words because in our scripture today from the gospel of John, Jesus gave his disciples some final words: to love one another as he had loved them. It's called "The New Commandment," but it isn't really "new." It's a restatement of the Jewish shema, which is at the heart of the Torah. It sounds pretty simple and straightforward, but it isn't.

Words matter. Words can confuse and mislead us. Experts tell us the greater part of communication is actually non-verbal. We hear words, we think about them and then we understand them in the context of our own experience no matter what the intention of the speaker of the words was. While words themselves have power, their power is magnified when actions confirm the words. When actions diverge from words, most of us tend to believe the actions and ignore the words.

Jesus commanded the disciples to love one another. The point that love is God's very nature is at the core of The New Commandment. It ought to be clear, but it isn't. It is even less clear to us because we have only one word for love in the English language, which leads us to confusing misunderstanding. In Greek, which the New Testament was originally written in, three different words are used which are translated into one English word: love. Eros refers to romantic longing and sexual love. Philia refers to friendship, non-sexual affection and loyalty, to the kind of brotherly love. Agape refers to the selfless giving kind of love that is seen in the relationship between Jesus and God. It is to that kind of love Jesus calls his disciples and us. But the disciples in all their hearing of Jesus, understood only philia.

To say this more clearly in the language of our experience, when we say or hear, "I love you" it can mean lots of different things. First, we might understand this to mean, I love you if you do this or that. A child can hear her parent say, I love you if you do what I say. A teenage girl can hear her boyfriend say this and understand it to mean, I love you if you have sex with me. The confirmands ask me, Will I love them no matter what they choose to do about confirmation? This is conditional love and not what Jesus was talking about.

Secondly when someone says "I love you" we might understand it as being loved because we are beautiful or smart or hard working. To be loved because of something is to be loved conditionally and as an object. Again, not what Jesus was talking about.

The kind of love Jesus talked about means to love unconditionally. We are loved in spite of being fat and ugly. We are loved in spite of being old and boring. We are loved in spite of being selfish and inconsiderate. This kind of love is love with open eyes to see us and love us as we are. We are not loved because we do things to please the other, because of some special quality about us, we are loved for all that we are. There is nothing, NOTHING we can do, to not be loved when this is the love we are given. This kind of love is deeply healing. This kind of love is life-affirming. This kind of love lets nothing, NOTHING, get in its way. This kind of love unites us to all people and to all creation. This is agape, unconditional love that Jesus is commanding us to have for each other. This is the kind of love refered to in 1st Corinthians 13. Unconditional love is God's nature and it is at the core of the New Commandment. When we love and are loved unconditionally, then we are connected to God through our love.

All love is understood within a context. The love commandment is set in a context of misunderstanding, betrayal and death. At the beginning of this chapter, Jesus demonstrates what his words mean by the act of washing the feet of his disciples. Peter misunderstood this humble selfless act of servant love. Jesus also predicts Peter's three betrayals and Judas' ultimate betrayal and yet he loves them, understanding their actions. There was nothing any of them could do to stop his love for them. Agape love to which Jesus calls his disciples is selfless, understanding, forgiving. Jesus' actions show us how this kind of love looks. It is a radical challenge and stands in contradiction to actual human behavior. Do we even know what this means when we sing "They Will Know We are Christians by our Love?"

Truth is, much of what we call love is motivated by our own self interest. We love because we get something: sex, companionship, security. Is it even possible to have this unconditional love in our modern context? I have been reading in recent weeks about violence, abuse and shame. Jim Gilligan, who spent time as a prison psychaitrist poses an interesting idea that all violence is a response to injustice and shame. There is tragically so much abuse, so much hurt, so much violence in our world, how can it ever be made whole? Jesus gives us the answer and it takes such a little taste of this kind of love to heal our broken hearts and souls.

When unconditional love is present we have found the Kingdom of God. Let me tell you, much of Marin County with its good life self-focus is not what the Kingdom of God is about. Our little church is an oasis of love, but I challenge us that we are settling for far too little. The Kingdom of God is not something we participate in one hour a week when it fits into our schedule,. It is about healing our world, bringing justice to the weak, the oppressed. It is about having faith in God's ocean of grace and loving with the kind of love that heals. It is about trusting God and knowing that God calls us to love unconditionally.

Loving this way is a huge challenge. When my father shuffled off, I was left with the shreds of a complex relationship. All good? No, dad, it wasn't. I struggle how and what to remember of our relationship. I struggle how to find in my heart the unconditional love Jesus calls me to. He certainly hurt me and others, but he had to live with who he was. I know he was hurt and abused as a child and lashed out unthinkingly. It is really difficult to love those who hurt us. When I read statistics that one in four women has experienced sexual abuse or hear about the amount of child abuse that goes on. Nearly all the violent men and women in prison were abused as children. I get angry. It's not right.

Are there any people outside of God's unconditional love? I don't think so. While Jesus loved unconditionally, even as he experienced betrayal, we know how it is hard, perhaps not even possible, to love our betrayers. Those who have experienced abuse know how hard it is to let go of, to mend their broken souls. In our broken and hurting world, is there hope? The hope lies in unconditional love. That I know.

The passage from Revelations gives witness to this vision happening now, not in some future time. It tells us God will be with God's people, wiping every tear. Death will be no more. The Kingdom of God is here. Are we settling for less than God promises and calls us to?

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