August 27, 2006

Reflections on the Journey

By Faune Towery

Faune Towery is a student at Pacific School of Religion. She was Minister in Training at FCC during the '04 - '05 school year, and we have been her "in care" church since then. She will receive her Master of Divinity this December and hopes to work as a Hospital Chaplain.

This past year has been one of the most life-transforming and growth-filled years of my life. I have been working as a hospital chaplain at University of California Medical Center. UCSF is a tertiary care center, which means that you go to your doctor and the doctor sends you to a specialist, then the specialist sends you to UCSF. It is one of the top ten hospitals in the US, according to US News. I spent the first six months working on the 15th floor-labor and delivery and the intensive care nursery. The next five months I spent working at the Comprehensive Cancer Center and the 10th floor, Cardiology. I also visited lots of Spanish patients-especially pediatrics. It took a lot of courage. It took a lot of courage because I had to do so many things that were all brand new to me.

Now my mother has been a nurse for almost 40 years, and my sister is a doctor, so I have been around hospitals my whole life. But this is the first time I have ever worked in a hospital. Serious things happen in hospitals-people are really sick, having surgery, and sometimes they are dying. As a chaplain, I experienced a little bit of everything. I prayed for people to get well, played cards with bed-rest pregnant moms, sang (with my oh-so melodious voice) to unconscious patients, sat with grieving families, and cried with people.

I have a confession though. I felt totally unprepared and inadequate for this work. I even told my sister that I felt like I was a medical liability-the hospital could be sued if I did something wrong! My sister gave me a reality check though, she said: Faune, you cannot order tests and you cannot prescribe drugs. What is the worst thing you can do? Well, I guess I could hurt people's feelings.

But my sister's question helped to give me courage. I also had a lot more sympathy for my sister when she started as a medical student-she really had life and death decisions. I realized that I just needed to be present with people and had to be willing to sit with them through whatever was happening to them.

So that was my first learning-to be able to sit with people through some of the most intimate moments of their lives-the birth of their baby, the death of their loved one.

I also had to learn that by talking about something-it didn't make it happen... By talking about something I couldn't make something happen...

This meant that if I asked someone in the Intensive Care Unit if they were afraid to die, they didn't immediately stop breathing! Imagine the relief I felt after asking this question for the first time. And then I started being able to talk about hard subjects with an even more people. I asked parents if they were worried that their comatose child would not wake. I asked a very tired, fourth time cancer survivor if she was ready to die.

The more I asked these difficult questions, the more I realized that patients were thinking these thoughts on their own. By asking a question about someone's worst fear, I neither made their worst fear come true nor did I put the idea into their head. People are already thinking about their worst fears-whether or not I ask the question. But if I have the courage to ask the question, then they have a chance to talk about what scares them the most.

All right, so I learned to talk with people about their worst fear. I am glad to share with you all, that talking about death does not make someone die.

But I also learned another very important lesson. I do not have to wait until someone is dying to make peace with them. I can tell my family and my friends that I love them on a regular basis. In fact, I can say a lasting goodbye to people I love and they still don't die that minute.

Hmmm, what a huuuge challenge. To not only talk about really tough subjects-like death and suffering, but then to make peace with those I love before they are dying? Why on earth would I want to do that????

Well, I have come to learn that there are five things that ideally people can say to one another before death:

1. I love you
2. I forgive you
3. Please forgive me
4. Thank you
5. Goodbye

These five things are not only reserved for the bedside of those you love. You can tell your best friend these things and it may bring you closer together, help to mend rifts, and will help you to feel more peaceful about your relationship. You can tell these things to your children each day-even multiple times a day!

I wish that people could say these five things-I love you, forgive you, forgive me, thank you, goodbye-regularly. I wish they could say them regularly because accidents happen. Tragedies occur. Life is not always predictable. But if we are able to live in right relationship with those we love-by saying these five things regularly and living out Jesus' teachings-then we might have a little more peace that we have shared our love, appreciation, and gratitude, if something unexpected occurs.

Today's scripture reading is an example of a woman demonstrating these five things to Jesus.

The woman at Simon the Pharisee's house is a citizen, but she has not been invited. The Gospel of Luke describes her as a sinner, so she is probably a prostitute. It took a lot of courage for this woman to come to the banquet at Simon the Pharisee's house. She is viewed as a sinner, one who conveys uncleanness by her very touch. But she knows that she wants to seek forgiveness for her sins and show profound love and appreciation for Jesus.

So she goes ahead of Jesus to wait at Simon the Pharisee's house and "... She brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them."

The woman is standing behind Jesus, her tears fall upon Jesus' feet. Then she unfastens her hair, and lets it fall free. She kneels down and begins to wipe his feet with her hair.

She then begins to kiss his feet. Kissing Jesus' feet was a sign of deep reverence, especially for beloved rabbis. Finally, she pours scented oil onto his feet out of a perfume vial, such as Jewish women commonly wore around their neck.

This woman is telling Jesus that she loves him, apologizes for her sins, seeks forgiveness and honors Jesus (which I think is also her way of saying goodbye).

This woman had great courage. She was unclean. She was not a member of a rich Pharisee family. She did not know Jesus, but had only heard of him. And yet she shows him the highest honor by anointing him, wiping his feet with her hair and tears, showing him love and the highest form of hospitality.

Can you imagine doing something like this in your life?

Can you see yourself asking an ailing friend about their worst fears?

Can you regularly say the five things so you can have peace in your relationships?

I hope that we can all have courage like this woman to honor those that we love.

You don't have to pour oil on your loved ones and kiss their feet, but maybe you can seek their forgiveness. Apologize for your mistakes. Tell them how they are important to you. Tell them that you love them.

So, my challenge to you is this: Say the Five things: I love you, I forgive you, You forgive me, Thank you and Goodbye.

Have courage. Talk about the hardest things or your worse fears. Simply talking about things does NOT make them happen. Maybe then you can live in right relationship with those you love.

Amen.