July 31, 2005

Second Chances through Forgiveness

by Julianne Stokstad

You have probably already guessed, the topic today is forgiveness. It has been my habit at the beginning of August to preach on forgiveness as it coincides with Forgiveness Day. I thank Lisa for raising it up in our prayer time several weeks ago.

There is nothing the world or we need more than forgiveness. It doesn't matter where we live, what we do, whether we are rich or poor, young or old, every one of us has been hurt, treated unfairly or had things happen to us which we didn't want or choose. We dream of the peaceable kingdom, of our world being a place where people aren't hurt, of a place where there is no place for violence, oppression or injustice. There is nothing the world or we need more than serious practice of forgiveness, whether it is forgiving another, asking someone's forgiveness of us or forgiving ourselves..

All religious traditions tell us forgiveness is the way to find peace. Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, defines forgiveness as "the experience of peace and understanding that can be felt in the present moment." This is where we need to start wanting peace and understanding. I Googled "forgiveness" on the Internet and in 0.6 second, 4,700,000 entries came up. I have a pile of books here, but the practice of forgiveness is what I am want to inspire today.

I invite you during the month of August to reflect on forgiveness, to think of your stories of forgiveness, think of your heroes of forgiveness and most of all to begin to practice forgiveness in your own lives. I remember telling our sons over and over, life isn't always fair - and maybe that is where it all begins. From the simplest example, like the one we acted out for the children to everyday hurts to horrible offenses of abuse or murder, forgiveness is called for. Forgiving, says Lewis Smedes, is "love's revolution against life's unfairness."

Too often in churches, especially, we are told just forgive. This raises more questions than answers, can cause more guilt in us than peace. Forgiveness is complicated and emotionally loaded in most of us, and I am not saying it is easy or the same in all cases. Let's start with a straight-forward situation where one person wrongs another. Even in this simplest example, big issues are at play: issues of power, authority, fairness, justice, trust, safety, love and betrayal. So what can we do?

In an ideal situation, the wrong doer recognizes her offense, and offers an apology along with a change of behavior in a constructive way (in religious language called repentance). The wronged one accepts the apology and responds with forgiveness. Then there can be reconciliation, and the peace within the relationship is restored.

It is easy with the little things, but what about big horrible wrongs where our hurts rage like a toxic flow of lava? Desmond Tutu writes powerfully about the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa and how the miracle of forgiveness happened over and over at the many meetings, where people spoke the truth of their experiences. Understanding allowed the country to reconcile and move forward from the egregious wrongs of apartheid.

Several examples from our beloved UCC come to my mind. Congregational missionaries in the 1700's came to the Hawaiian Islands and forced the native peoples to convert to Christianity. At the 1995 Synod, the National UCC church apologized to representatives of the Native Peoples and offered reparations as the UCC was forgiven. What else could be done, I ask? Another example, begun right here in the Bay area at Sycamore UCC in El Cerrito was a movement to get the US government to apologize to Japanese Americans for their Internment during World War II. Eventually there was an official apology and Congress voted reparations. So it can happen. Long standing wrongs can be righted and forgiven.

But our life experience teaches us that it doesn't always work out that way. Some apologies encourage forgiveness and reconciliation and others only make things worse. Experts say there are four parts to an effective apology: first, acknowledgement by the offender of the offense; second, an explanation; third, expressions of remorse, shame and humility and fourth, reparation. In other words, a sincere apology involves quite a lot.

What can we do when the offenders don't apologize, when they have died or are unrepentant? What if we're the one who did something wrong? That is where we have a choice: we can remain angry and bitter or we can begin to work to forgive.

Those are the choices, period. Many of us were taught to just walk away. That is a good strategy if we have no hurt, no bitterness and we do not feel we were wronged. But when we have been wronged, avoiding the issue only buries our anger and bitterness and does not lead to letting go and healing, making forgiveness even harder.

Forgiveness isn't a natural response. It is natural to protect oneself, to fight or if you are weaker to walk or run away. It seems uniquely human to get revenge, to get even. That's why forgiveness needs to be taught. Forgiveness requires an evolution of thinking to a higher consciousness of spiritual growth. Bob and I remarked that neither of us could remember examples of real forgiveness being taught to us in our families. Studies at Stanford University have shown people need to be taught how to forgive. One reason there is not more forgiveness is people don't know how to do it. Forgiveness is a practice handed on from person to person: from generation to generation, so the investment in learning this is crucial to a new more peaceful future.

So why should we forgive when it feels so good to nurse a grudge? Well, first of all, it is a spiritual commandment from Jesus. He instructs us to forgive over and over again because that is how God's forgiveness is. Each week, as we say the Lord's Prayer, we say as we forgive others, we experience God's forgiveness of us. We get what we give, in other words. Forgiveness makes life fairer, transforming victims into heroes. When we forgive we take back our power and stop blaming our distress on the person who hurt us. And studies have shown that forgiveness is good for our health and wellbeing! It leads to less stress. It can lower blood pressure.

So what is forgiveness? The Greek word translated as forgive means draw away or let go. It is simply letting go of resentment and the desire for revenge. It is deciding it is not our job to punish someone for his or her offense. Forgiveness is taking off the delicious jeweled crown of victim hood, stating you don't want it anymore. Forgiveness is to be liberated from the destructive power of anger and hatred and no longer carry it around. Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or unkindness, it is about forgiving persons, not their behavior. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened and it is not denying your hurt. Forgiveness simply brings one freedom from what binds you.

So how can it be done? Perhaps, you, like me, want to forgive and you keep trying, but just can't quite make it happen. Here's a little bit of advice, first of all, recognize it is a process, a long and slow and often painful journey. It takes courage, honesty, humility and lots of time, depending on what we are trying to forgive. It takes understanding of yourself and some understanding of the other person. And it takes prayerful intention to begin as well as support to stay with the process. It is one of the biggest works we have to do in our lives because when we are able to forgive those who have wronged us and forgive ourselves, then our hearts are changed and we are changed. We are more peaceful, joyful and free.

If you can't forgive someone, you aren't a bad person, you just have work to do. Forgiveness is hard work and this encouragement is not meant to make anyone feel guilty. We each know when we are ready to begin. I know God always forgives us. The Parable of the Lost Sheep tells how God always seeks each one of us, finds us and lovingly brings us back. Knowing that, certain we are loved by God, we can begin to do our forgiveness work.

I invite you to write down your stories of forgiveness or of whom you want to forgive. Think about heroes of forgiveness you know of and write down their stories and how they have affected you. We have so much richness in our collective experiences here. If art is your way, draw or make collages or write poems of your experiences or block of forgiveness. I hope you accept the challenge. If we have enough material we will make a booklet or have another worship service on forgiveness where more of us can share. I believe within this blessed community, we can help and inspire each other on to more forgiving and more understanding and deeper peace. . May you be blessed on your journey to peace and freedom and understanding.

Amen

PASTORAL PRAYER for July 31

Living God, Loving God, Forgiving God, we come here today seeking your holy presence, wanting the balm of your forgiving love. In our lives we try to be loving and forgiving but it is hard, so hard, when we get tired, cross, burdened with a thousand little irritations and we lash out at another or we beat ourselves up, using words we would never use toward another. Help us.

Help us not to take things so personally, to let more run off us. Help us to understand others are also tired and hurting. Help us to understand others are carrying scars and wounds from their lives. But let us never take abuse or let injustice go by as acceptable.

We don't know how to fully forgive those who have hurt us. We ask your help.

Give us patience, honesty, courage to speak the truth with love. As we say each week help us to truly forgive others and ourselves as you forgive us.

We pray that as we forgive we will be filled with peace and joy and that this peace will move out into our families and our community.

May we be truly grateful for all we have in our lives, seeing all our blessings with clear eyes and grateful hearts.

For this and for all the prayers asked before we pray, in the name of the Risen Christ.

Amen

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